Not boiling mad angry, not even simmering anger, but in a peaceful moment I can sense an undercurrent of anger. I am not sure why or at what I am angry. I am probably angry at myself for things left undone or for things that I don't want to do, but really need to do.
It could also be related to recovery. I am attending Narcotics Anonymous (NA) rather than AA as the meetings just feel better. They consider alcohol as a drug, so it works out. In addition to two NA meeting a week, I attend one out-patient treatment session a week. I have (I think) 3 more weeks to go. Which reminds me, I have a 22-page work book to fill out and submit in 2 weeks.
Once a week I attend a Buddhist meditation / 12-step group. It works kind of like an AA meeting. There are introductions (I'm Tom, an alcoholic) a short talk, especially if there are new folks at the group, about meditation, then a 20 minute meditation. We have the standard meditation cushions and pillows or chairs -- our choice. (I started on a chair but last week I used the cushion & pillow.) Afterward there is a talk by our leader then we break into small groups. Somewhere along the line we pass the basket.
I think what I want is what I had as a Mormon. I want someone, or some organization, to take over my life for me and to tell me what to do. Unfortunately, that genie is out of the bottle (lamp?). It won't / can't go back in. I have to make my own choices, I am responsible for me, and I have to do the best I can. The things I haven't done, and the things I have yet to do, are all my responsibility.
That my be part of my anger. I have known all those things intellectually, but I think my gut is finally coming to realize it and it doesn't like it. The signature line on my email says "Three score and 3 years old and still so much to learn." Is that EVER true.
2 ago there I tricked myself. I had been making calendar entries and I added the entries for the meditation. I wrote "except 1st Friday". The 1st Friday of the month is a different meditation. So, right after making those entries I went to meditation. There was a different speaker. Dang. This was that hour long meditation. It is called Metta, or Lovingkindness. The idea is to spread loving thoughts to everyone. You start with someone easy to love. (I thought of my mother.) You then expand these loving thoughts to others, even those difficult to love. After about 20 minutes my butt and legs fell asleep. I had to shift many times. I am afraid that I didn't get much love spread around that time.
Speaking of feeling busy, this week I start Thursday night racing on Lake Minnetonka. I will be on the same boat as usual, Shipweck.
Time to do some laundry,
Tom
