On Belief I

I am a member of Narcotics Anonymous. Being a member requires a certain about of faith: faith that the program works; faith in the people that you share things with; and faith in a higher power of your choice. Before I explore this a bit more, I wish to relate an experience I had that may be relevant.

Back around 1980, we (Marge, my then-wife, Jay, our son, and I) lived in North Minneapolis. Near us the Mormon missionaries rented an appartment. They work in pairs, of course. and every 6 months they change partners. One of the pair is the more experienced, the other the newer. The younger of this particular pair of missionaries was having difficulty. He was homesick. I don't know the details of the problem, but he was darn close to being sent home. That would have been a big disgrace to him and his family. It was to be avoided at all costs. This pair was kind of relieved of duty, the elder of the two was just asked to keep the younger going. They came to our house a lot and chatted with us. We got to know them pretty well.

(I was going to refer to them as the elder Elder and the younger Elder, but took pity on y'all. When a Mormon rises to the ranks such that they can become a missionary, they take the title of Elder. In practice, this title is just used for active missionaries. Their name tags say Elder Smith, Elder Jones, etc. You would be forgiven for thinking that a lot of Mormons are named "Elder".)

I got interested in what Mormonism was. They ended up giving me their pitch. They requested that I read the Book of Mormon and daily to pray about weather or not it was the word of god. I did that, too. Eventually, I decided that it was. I joined the church.

Marge was raised Catholic and was not interested in becoming Mormon. She had enough bad experiences as a Catholic that she never went to mass, but still believed enough that she couldn't leave.

Mormons have a three-hour Sunday morning meeting. There is an hour of Sunday School, and hour of priesthood meeting for the men, and then the hour of sacrament service which is the "normal" church service. While the men had their priesthood meeting there was a meeting for the women, but the name escapes me.

Marge resented my spending this time "doing what I wanted" while she was "stuck" at home with our 6-year old ADHD/LD son. She had me take Jay with me. Even with this there was still some resentment and friction. Eventually I stopped going to church for our relationship.

(There is more to tell about my life as a Mormon. That is for another time.)

So, what with the visiting Mormon missionaries, the people at church, daily scripture readings, and occassional meetings or activities during the week, I got a lot of social and doctrinal reinforcement. When I stopped attending church I no longer got that reinforcement, and in a few weeks my mind returned to "normal". I realized that I had been brainwashing myself. It was by my constant repetition of Mormon doctrine that I came to believe it. When I stopped that, my belief stopped.

I now am an atheist, but atheism is not my religion. I am sure that this is a reasoned decision, not based on social needs nor some form of indoctrination. I still have a fondness for Mormons, they are a good bunch of people. Their religion is 100% wrong, but they are OK.

As an NA member I need a higher power. No, as an addict I need a higher power. My higher power is the NA group. They have the knowledge and wisdom that I lack.

That is it for now. Until next time,

Tom

I'm Angry!

Not boiling mad angry, not even simmering anger, but in a peaceful moment I can sense an undercurrent of anger. I am not sure why or at what I am angry. I am probably angry at myself for things left undone or for things that I don't want to do, but really need to do.

It could also be related to recovery. I am attending Narcotics Anonymous (NA) rather than AA as the meetings just feel better. They consider alcohol as a drug, so it works out. In addition to two NA meeting a week, I attend one out-patient treatment session a week. I have (I think) 3 more weeks to go. Which reminds me, I have a 22-page work book to fill out and submit in 2 weeks.

Once a week I attend a Buddhist meditation / 12-step group. It works kind of like an AA meeting. There are introductions (I'm Tom, an alcoholic) a short talk, especially if there are new folks at the group, about meditation, then a 20 minute meditation. We have the standard meditation cushions and pillows or chairs -- our choice. (I started on a chair but last week I used the cushion & pillow.) Afterward there is a talk by our leader then we break into small groups. Somewhere along the line we pass the basket.

I think what I want is what I had as a Mormon. I want someone, or some organization, to take over my life for me and to tell me what to do. Unfortunately, that genie is out of the bottle (lamp?). It won't / can't go back in. I have to make my own choices, I am responsible for me, and I have to do the best I can. The things I haven't done, and the things I have yet to do, are all my responsibility.

That my be part of my anger. I have known all those things intellectually, but I think my gut is finally coming to realize it and it doesn't like it. The signature line on my email says "Three score and 3 years old and still so much to learn." Is that EVER true.

2 ago there I tricked myself. I had been making calendar entries and I added the entries for the meditation. I wrote "except 1st Friday". The 1st Friday of the month is a different meditation. So, right after making those entries I went to meditation. There was a different speaker. Dang. This was that hour long meditation. It is called Metta, or Lovingkindness. The idea is to spread loving thoughts to everyone. You start with someone easy to love. (I thought of my mother.) You then expand these loving thoughts to others, even those difficult to love. After about 20 minutes my butt and legs fell asleep. I had to shift many times. I am afraid that I didn't get much love spread around that time.

Speaking of feeling busy, this week I start Thursday night racing on Lake Minnetonka. I will be on the same boat as usual, Shipweck.

Time to do some laundry,

Tom